This was written in March of 2005 after the tail end of my father in law passing away, my mother in law coming to live with us and then with us being primary caregivers while she was in a nursing home until her death... I had experienced one traumatic blow after another in my life. My son, son in law, sister and brother in law all had cancer ... my favorite aunt had passed away from physical problems... we closed our church that my husband and I had pioneered, my dear friend and mentor had died from cancer, my mother who had lived with us and then to a nearby nursing home had just died... and then another unbelievable event.... My late husband passed away from a brain tumor in December 2004.
I was in the worst place I had ever been in my life. I did not want to live and struggled on every turn. I had never in my life ever been a depressive person, but these series of events so close to one another had set me into a tailspin. Friends who knew and loved me were so sympathetic, and even one of my friends called every day to just touch base. But, even with all that love, I felt at times as though I could barely breath. I was so concerned for my children who were trying to be so brave for me, and yet I knew they were going through their own sorrow and mourning. So many people giving well meaning words of advise and caring.. and yet, it was as though I could hear nothing.. It sounded to me like the "wawa" sound... from the Peanuts cartoon that had always been so comical to me when the kids would hear their parents talking!!! It all sounded like a muffled sound with no words!!
A friend I had much history with came into my life at that time and it helped me take my focus off my circumstances and caused me to realize that life is worth living. I had thought this was both healing and timely for both of us. I also ended up in the hospital over Easter for five days.. with artiel fib ... my heart racing and only a miracle of a precious little old Baptist woman praying for me intervened on a shock treatment to stop and then start my heart again to set it back to normal... A final karate chop to the juggler sent me reeling when I was at my most vulnerable... and I felt like I was down for the count.
We never know what things life has in store for us, and life is not always easy. But, I can say one thing with confidence... God is always there to catch us when we fall and are in the most desperate of situations. He is there to wipe the tears from our eyes and He is there to help us when we are misunderstood .. He heals our broken hearts and picks us up and carries us through the rough spots. We can allow such situations to cause us to become bitter or better. We can let devastating circumstances to take us under, or we can rise above.
I went through every emotion imaginable.
I went through disbelief, anger, unforgiveness, dismay..... etc... I asked "why, why, why" over and over... my soul was flooded with despair so deep that I could not even cry. A sadness came over me and I did not even want friends to try to help me anymore... I had lost trust... and a melancholy I had never experienced came and overshadowed me. I had always been a Pollyana type (I still am!) I like to look at the cup half full instead of half empty! But, all I could see at this time of my life was a hallow vessel. I had considered myself to be whole as a person and now I felt like Humpty Dumpty and was even believing that not only all the kings horses and kings men could not put me back together .. but I even questioned if the KING Himself could.. what a dilemma.
I wish I could say I was strong and did all the things a good Christian would do... things I had done in the past to pray my way to victory... but to tell the truth... I was so weak .. I could barely lift my head...
I had been a powerhouse in the Lord believing and praying for so many in the past and seeing amazing, miraculous results. and yet in the state I was in at this time .. I was so weak. I felt like I had been slapped hard in the face and kept wondering what I did wrong? I felt like a broken doll, torn to pieces and left for dead. The scripture about God using "burnt stones" to rebuild came to my mind more than one time, for I surely felt burnt and burnt out.
I only know that in that place God came and tenderly loved me back to wholeness. I don't know how He did it to this day... I only know that He did. He showed me that in all things HE is faithful. He is always there and He has our best interest in His heart. He showed me that we don't always understand why things happen the way they do... but what is the most important is that He is there to help us through. It was a slow recovery for me... but He sent many wonderful people that I found I could trust to help me through. Also within this time good things did start to happen, I moved to Florida to a cute little house on a little lake in a gated community near two and now three of my children. My children checked on my constantly along with friends and would insist that I get dressed and go out "dancing" at the oddest times .. like 11 pm .. LOL!! If I sounded down, they were there in a flash to comfort me.. I will be ever grateful for the ones I love who helped me through this difficult time. Kisses and hugs to all of you who held on to me with tenacity and love. I decided to live again.. and I found God's love to be never-ending and abounding with great gentleness and compassion. He comforted me, and held me close and let me know He was listening with His heart.
I know that I am a better counselor, friend and listener since all this happened to me.. I know that I know that I know that God will never leave me or forsake me. I know that there is alwasy hope for a bright tomorrow.. I know that we are here for a purpose. I know that I am loved by my heavenly Father and that is all that is truly important.
My heart goes out to anyone reading this who is having trauma in their lives. Please know that there is one who's lap you can climb up on and tell all your troubles to... there is rest and new life there.. If you need someone to listen or pray for you .. please contact me.. I leave you with this thought and word...
Matthew 11:28 Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.
Below is the word that I wrote way back in 2005 .. little did I know at the time that I had some more trials to go through before I would see that word come to pass... I hope it ministers to you and blesses you ..
From my heart to yours,
Donna/Donsie
donnatrex@yahoo.com
FOR LO
THE WINTER HAS PAST!
March 2005
Hello dearest ones.. Forgive me for not writing in while .. I have been on a.. shall I say sabbatical.. anyway, friends of God.. something New is happening in my heart and I pray it is happening in yours too..
A dear friend of mine, Karen Phelps led a worship time last Saturday at a mini retreat of just three women in our favorite place.. the mountains.. and it was heavenly!! Our purpose was to come together and just lay aside all our agendas to worship .. As I began to enter into the presence of the Lord.. my mind kept going somewhere else to a word someone had told me.. "that I was tucked away, zipped in their heart".. I kept thinking about how precious that was and then the Lord told me "Donna.. you are tucked away and zipped in MY heart too... tucked away safe and secure, right here in the very center.. enclosed and encapsulated"... God's love has caused us to be in Him and He in us.. so we no longer see with our own eyes.. but are insiders looking out with spiritual eyes, We don't have to keep trying to figure it out.. if we see with His eyes.. the way He sees it.. we will be viewing things from a totally different perspective.. and in that place of safety in Him..
Death where is thy sting... for "death is swallowed up in victory (1Cor 15:54)"
What a word.. especially for me personally with what I have been going through for the last few months after losing my dear husband to brain cancer.
I don't know what has been in a death process in your life, but in my own.. I can tell you quite simply .. I had not crossed over into resurrection life in alot of areas... I was still so to speak spiritually in the tomb...but...
God said to me.. "New life is coming forth.. can you not see it? New beginnings.. can you not see it budding forth.. tender shoots.. sure as spring .. sure as I am the author of new beginnings.. it is happening.. and I care for my tender shoots.. I place a blanket of grace over them of protection".. We are in a place of safety and security as He is growing us up so to speak in this new thing He is doing.. I don't fully understand it, but I do know that He is IN IT. And I do know that eye has not seen and ear has not heard or perceived what God has in store for us.
Beloved friends... we are coming into a place of new beginnings.. it is NOT going to be business as usual… for God is calling us to a new commitment, and new place of authority in Christ Jesus.. old dreams are dying and God is giving us New dreams... self effort is leaving, old habits are leaving, old ways of doing things, leaning on our own understanding, old hurts are leaving, feelings of failure and disappointment... and His Glory is beginning to rain upon us. Isn't it exciting.. and just when we were at our weakest point..
Song 2:10-12 My lover spoke and said to me, "Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come, the cooing of doves is heard in our land
The WINTER is PAST.. what an awesome word.. I had felt as though I was frozen in time cold and isolated.. what about you???? I am SO GLAD our spiritual winter season is passing.. can't you feel it happening? ... just like a butterfly who has been in transformation.. in a cocoon.. (did you know that the caterpillar going into a transparent/translucent state before it becomes a butterfly.. I believe part of what is happening in our lives right now.. is that we are becoming totally transparent with one another and it is helping us come forth into the new place God has for us.. and the cooing of the turtle dove is heard... how romantic!!!!!
Haggai 2:9 The glory of this latter house shall be greater than of the former, saith the LORD of hosts: and in this place will I give peace, saith the LORD of hosts.
Anything that God has done for us in the past.. all the good things.. are going to be surpassed.. and we will come to a place of peace... how neat is THAT?!!!
Isa 42:9-10 See, the former things have taken place, and new things I declare; before they spring into being I announce them to you." Sing to the LORD a new song, his praise from the ends of the earth,
What happened yesterday is past.. and yet He is doing New things.. how delightful!!
Isa 43:18-19 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.”
Wow!!! I love that... a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland..
Phil 3:13-14 But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
Yea and Amen!!
And so.. dearest ones... that is where I have been... hoping you are all doing well .. I am praying that each one of you will experience this wonderful NEW BEGINNING in your own lives.. thank you for all your calls, prayers and love. I know that has been what has sustained me and brought me to this new place. please continue to pray for me for God to guide me and direct me.. .. you are important in my life and I am thankful to God for each and every one of you...
From my heart to yours,
Donsie/Donna
Coming out of a winter season into the Spring and new beginnings in life is such a blessing. I know everyone including myself loves to see a happy ending... so I am attaching below a picture of my family now.. this was taken at a mini family get together in Jan 2012. My new husband Joe is on the left.. He is a gift from God and my best friend.
From my heart to yours,
Donsie/Donna 3/21/12
